Short, Sharp  - and often Irreverant
... by some B&B masters of the art

indicates new additions




Catherine, on her balcony, sipping white wine
Dreaming of Vincent, she started to pine
When, oh when, will he ever show
With certain thoughts her blush would grow
Her evil grin says, "He'll finally be mine."

Low and behold, Vincent's bare chest
It looks by far to be the best
Catherine's seen Elliott's,Catherine's seen Tom's
Vincent's by far surely must be the bomb
She prays to the lord, let this not be a test


Their anniversary calls
For something refreshing and tall
So they sipped as they sat
Discussed this and that
Until neither saw reason to stall

The rose and the crystal became
Their symbols of love and its claim
For Above and Below
Came together to show
Two hearts burned as one ardent flame

Vincent and Catherine wore green
In thanks for the magic of dreams
When popcorn they made
Of an emerald shade
Their reward was loud kiddie screams...

Catherine and Vincent we know
Are champions above and below
When the dark and the light
Decide on a fight ...
...You'll just have to rewatch the show

Our Vincent's sartorial flair
Enthralls from his toes to his hair
Those tight pants and vests
And tunics are best
We want to see more  - but despair

Mouse and Vincent 'hang out'
Just where is somewhat in doubt
For those draughty dark caves
Could lead to a grave
So one or the other must scout

To Father, the tunnelworld scold
Above has naught to behold
But Catherine has proven
There's much worth the losin'
And Vincent finds tales to be told

Tunnel meetings may drag on, or flare
Mary listens and knits in her chair
While Father expounds
She purls a new round
There's never a lack of knitwear!

Our Vincent's hair's a delight
Even when mussed in a fight
It's golden and flows
In candlelight glows
Envy Catherine who strokes it at night!

Pascal in his pipe chamber knows
Where every message should go
But when chit-chat is rife
Or the tunnels in strife
Does he wish he could call an 'all slow'?

Elliot Burch has the glam
To buy whatever he can
But our heroine's price
Is simple and nice ...
It's love for her big hairy man

Jamie the huntress can aim
For maximum placement and pain
And her friends now accept
That she just as adept
At keeping Mouse safe from his brain

To Diana our Vincent was clearly
A mystery she found ever nearly
When she saw him at last
Hesitation was past
He became her secret ... and dearly

Paracelsus had a great fall
From grace when he wanted it all
So he lived deep below
Where his hatred could grow
While sure he would get his recall

Gabriel never reserved
His madness to flunkies who served
He let Catherine die
He made Vincent cry
His end was what he deserved

Vincent mourned two 'starmen' Above
Who devoted their lives to their love
For Bowie and Hawking
Shared birthdays
*, straight talking
And left us twice richer thereof


Catherine was seen gazing raptly
At Vincent, who was tapping quite badly.
Her grin getting big,
"That's some sort of jig,
But let's face it, you're no Michael Flatley."


I’ve a quarter, a nickel, and a dime
Found in the gutter, this time.
Is some forty odd cents
Enough recompense
To bring me a woman, sublime?


Catherine was a woman of renown,
Her name, on a building in town.
But the thing he liked best
Was the way she was dressed,
When she wore a near see-through night gown

Our Jacob was in quite a bother.
“Dear Mary, for me there’s no other.

But my libido goes south
When you open your mouth
And rather than ‘Jacob’ say ‘Father!’”


There was once was a man named Ron
Who’d rather have tons of make-up on!
He knew his own face was scary
And he was tall, big and hairy
But now, all that cover-up is gone!

There once was a man called Vincent
Whose father insisted he see sense!
But he would not listen
He went Above on a mission
A wondrous love to commence!

There once was a pretty lady of class
Who was left to die on the grass.
Only the faintest of sparks
Kept her away from the dark
Strong arms reached in, lifted, held fast.

A young woman found what she’d dreamed
A love far more than it seemed.
Her father'd been wrong
That she should marry Tom
A fate that now made her scream!

There once was a man cloaked in night
Fell in love with a woman of light.
They all said, “No, you shan’t…”
He would not hear their chant
Not after she’d seen him with clear sight

A couple once talked the night away
When she would have gone back, he said, “Stay…”
She looked into his eyes
The shade of dawning skies
“You only had to ask. Of course ... okay…

There once was a young boy from Below
Who decided that Up Top he must go.
He knew his face was scary
And he was big and hairy
But the carousel was the greatest of shows.

He moved down the alley like a bird in flight
One eye on the stars, the other on the night.
Above him she stood
He knew that she would
Wait forever for her beloved, beast knight.

She loved watching him in those low-riding jeans
He had the best hip action she’d seen.
But she preferred him without
Letting it all hang about
For her eyes only, if you know what I mean?

A woman who once heard a sound
Picked up her gun, and looked all around.
But outside on the tiles
Her frowns turned to smiles
She looked up, saw him, was spell-bound.

A man thought to send his love
To go and live with Elliot, Above.
For his world they must part
But nearly broke his great heart
But she returned like a true homing dove.

There once was a man with a great butt
So tight he could even crack nuts.
Females swoon at the sight
Their men said, get a life!
As, across the screen, he would strut.

“Yes!” he shouted, as they rose to new heights
His head went back and nearly took out the light!
“Hey, be careful!” she said.
Lying beneath him in the bed
“I want to see you, and share every delight.”


If a criminal life you've in mind,
And you wish to be real hard to find.
If you want to be sure
Just make certain that your
Floor tile's not one of a kind.

Vincent's seamstress Below does it well.
Do you want to know how I can tell?
Although bullets and darts
Always entered his parts,
By the next week, his vest still looked swell!

There's this ring that Gabriel wore.
Snow had one, too, and what's more,
They were both very old
Of black opal and gold.
Now what in the heck were they for?

Paracelsus was such a great villian
And Gabriel, too, he was chillin'!
We would have seen more
Of these bad guys, I'm sure.
If the network had only been willin'.

Diana, she shot Gabriel dead,
With Catherine's own gun, it is said.
She ended his game,
But why didn't she aim,
And shoot Jeff Sagansky instead?
(network president CBS 1989)

That the baby is cute sure is true.
How he got here though I've still no clue.
Though it still seems so crazy,
It sure is amazing
What flowers and lava can do.

Sadly, our Catherine is dead,
The new Beauty had locks of red.
So the story goes on
With Jo and with Ron,
I wonder where it would have led?
To main site Library
To site Features index